I know writing this is probably a waste because you are never going to read this. But I am doing this to vent out the sadness I have in me every time I realise I don’t have you with me. They say, time heals everything; and I am quite sure this is true more often than not, but if there’s one thing that time hasn’t been able to heal for me it is the vacuum that your absence has created in my life. The other day you came to me when I was sleeping. I am a bad person when it comes to memorising dreams but every time you’re in it, I remember every tiny detail of the dream; and not remember it for a small period of time but a considerably long time.
I remember screaming out your name in happiness and searching for you in the entire house just like the old days in my dream. I remember hugging you like a bear and asking you why were you sunbathing in this heat just like the old days when you loved to sit on the terrace on a cold winter day in my dream. I remember fighting with my cousins when they’d say they want you to stay over at their place for the weekend. I remember how every time I got 100% in a class test and you treated me with extra love in feeding me with lunch. I remember saving EVERY mango bite (toffee) that I’d get in school just because that was the only sweet you ate. I remember how you told you love the taste of chocolates and eclairs but they stick in your artificial denture. I remember how you’d call all the kids in the colony to teach them Hindi and Maths. I remember you asking bhaiya and me to teach you English and Computers. You were my first student, and the best student till date. You were my first teacher, and my best teacher till date.
You were so understanding and balanced. You were the nucleus of the family. You were the one who taught all of us the importance of each other. You were too active for your age. I can’t recall a single day when I have seen you in bed for the whole day. You were always doing some or the other chore. And if not a chore, you’d sit and meditate. I wish I was half as active in my age as you were in yours. You were so loving that every human associated with you still can vouch for the comfort, love and understanding you have spread. Even after almost ten years today, people still talk about you; the pain of losing you is still fresh as if it were just yesterday that I ran from my scooty to my house and saw you lying on the bed with all the neighbours surrounding you. I was too young to understand the loss then, but now I know the pain.
Every time I have a small success, I always wish you were there to see how your grand daughter is making you proud. Every happiness in the house is incomplete. EVERYONE in the house wishes for your presence for every special moment. And we do this not just because your presence gave us happiness but because you deserved to see all the good things. You have seen a lot of pain and still been a wonderful person. You deserved to see your grandkids soaring high, you deserved to see your son buy his first car, you deserved to see your students becoming the managers of MNCs. But how I wish life was fair. It isn’t.
The fact that you come in my dreams so often makes me believe that there is SOME connection amongst people even after death. The experience of a dream with you is always just too real. It gives me the exact same happiness that I got whenever you were around.And once I get up, the pain of not having you, that is real too.
I Miss You.
From the grand daughter who never got a chance to make you proud.