I am a regular Indian kid-turning-into-an-adult, struggling to strike a balance between my career and social life. Maintaining my social life would mean making connections with two or more people whom the world calls ‘friends.’ It also means I will have some social obligations to fulfill too. Most importantly, maintaining my social life involves striking a balance between the people I WANT to keep and people I SHOULD keep; because the world shouldn’t know you love people who might eventually damage you. It sometimes takes a great amount of resistance and unwilling dislike to filter out the people who are not a healthy company for you.

I would be lying if I’d say I am a very easy person. No, I am not. I am too difficult to understand, too difficult to talk and too difficult to love. As difficult it is for others to love me, more difficult it is for me to fall in love. To put it in a less modest way: you can’t make me fall in love easily. Perhaps this explains why I just stand with a smile on my face when someone asks me, ” How have you never dated?” Every time I’d find someone even a bit attractive, the filters in my head started working before my heart could take a step forward.  

I have learnt to love passionately. They say I don’t act my age when I disapprove of the idea of a shallow relationship, for what I look for in a relationship is compassion, care, loyalty, truth and a sense of PASSIONATE ownership. They say I don’t act my age when I refuse to sleep with a person because I feel nothing for them. Addressing my generation I’d say, we all clearly know that a thin line exists between love and infatuation. And majority of us have always been wrong in identifying and reading this line. Love begins where my components of a relationship come into the picture. Other than that it is nothing but infatuation.

I am infatuated easily. But I don’t fall in love too easily. This one time I fell in love, that is when I validated that I wasn’t wrong in disqualifying any relationship which did not fulfill my criterion. But the story doesn’t end with me falling in love and we living happily ever after. It was only after this fall that I realized what an expert I was in having feelings for people who could hardly reciprocate. To fall in love with a person who reciprocates lesser or nothing, than what you do, that is a painful journey. I don’t know what hurts more- knowing this fact or just being oblivious to it.

I said truth is one of the most important things for me in a relationship. Speaking on those lines, it should be easier and better if I knew that I was falling for a person who could probably never fall for me. But it surely is not. Even when you know you are in a unilateral relationship in your head, you are just naive enough to build up hopes for yourself. And when the moment of confrontation comes finally, you just end up damaging yourself more and more.  All the, “I do like you” messages make you plan scenarios in your head which might never be true. How do we forget the, “You freak me out with so much love” and “I am scared of hurting you” messages? Mystery.

For many this may sound desperate, but for those who have been insanely in love with a person know how beautiful it is to have them around even if they are the ones who are silently (and unknowingly) damaging you. It is not that we look for acceptance; it is just that we know that the feeling of bliss and happiness that they liberate and spread, that is something we wouldn’t want to miss out on. Now I exactly know why some people mourn over the lost relationships even when it was visible to the whole world that it is nothing but unhealthy. We don’t regret a bit because for us what the world thinks is of very little or no importance because they are not our shoes and they don’t know what it feels like. The world hasn’t seen us on the nights when we were miserably sad and cried ourselves to sleep and neither has the world seen us on our highest high. It is just baseless, irrelevant and illogical to look for validation from them who know very little about your situations.

To all you beautifully damaged people, listen to me. I don’t exactly know what is going on with you and your lives. But I am sure that I can relate with it. I hope one day, there’d be someone who can lift you up and heal the wounds. More specifically, I hope it is the same person you are willing to take a bullet for. I hope we learn to draw a line next time someone says, “I like you.” I hope there is not another time when you call for your own destruction. I hope we learn to love the right people in the right amount and at the right time. I hope all of us may find our own Chandler Bing and not struggle around like Ross and Rachel.

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5 thoughts on “The One With All The Confusion

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