Four Months More

As I sit down to fill up the board forms of my 58 students, I am filled with so many emotions! This might be the last time I am doing something for them. This maybe the last time when they need me. This maybe the last time I am yelling my lungs out at them for not bringing things in time. This maybe the last time to so many things that it just scares me. What after this?

I have done my bit in the past two years. Somedays I have gone beyond my means, and sometimes I let things be even when I could have done better. We have spent a lot of time together, set some insane goals and worked towards them. I don’t know if we will ever be able to achieve those. But, we are trying.

It was never all joy for me to work with them and vice versa but to see the growth of this bunch, it has been an absolute joy! The thought of not having to wake up with a time table in my mind to follow, a test to conduct and to put some pants on fire, scares me. Not having them around to constantly challenge me and remind me I am not old enough to sit amongst the teachers when they dance their heart out, makes me feel old already. 

Not all of them were constants to me and vice versa. Relationships changed over these two years. I added and deleted some friends over the two years. I made new friends to share my tiffin with, new friends to feed me with chocolates and new friends to comfort me on the rough days. I lost some friendships. I lost friends who made my family theirs, I lost friends who inspired me and motivated me, I lost friends who filled my heart with nothing but love. But that’s a part of life I guess.  You gain something and lose something.

These two years have made me feel like a parent, a teacher, a friend, a sister and a demon! Together, we have solved cases! Together, we have convinced parents to let us play cricket, we have fought for our right to study and got ourselves a classroom; together we have danced, sang, cracked lame jokes and laughed at them. We’ve sat together lending and borrowing an ear when needed. We have done so much together!We have given each other a piece of ourself and trusted them with it.

I don’t know what lies ahead. I don’t know if 4 months, 4 years or 4 decades later I will feel the exact same feeling or emotion when I re-read this. All I know is that right now, it feels like giving away a part of me that I saved with me for two years. It feels like letting go of  your favourite part of the day. And to be honest, its difficult.

Until next time….

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To Fall in Love..

What does it feel like to FALL in love? Why do they say fall in love and not, rise? After all, love is meant to lift you up and not to pull you down further? I wonder if, ‘to fall in love’ is just another irrational use of English.

To fall in love is, a beautiful feeling and don’t trust anyone who says otherwise. To fall in love is like to jump from a 10,000ft high cliff, only to enjoy the 5 secs of descend down to the ground. To fall in love is like to try your first drug, because everyone else around you has tried and it seems to be working wonders for them. Falling in love is like investing all your money in that one stock that only YOU find alluring – you and only you get the returns, even if they are negative. To fall in love is like working day in and day out for your board exam, and finally getting those questions that are your favorite!

To fall in love is the most beautiful thing, but to fall in love with the right person at the right time that my friend, is more important and magical. To fall in love with the right person and at the right time is to not feel even a second’s regret on jumping off that 10,000ft cliff. It’s like trying that drug, which is just beneficial for you and you stay with it forever; completely dependent. It’s like investing the stocks when the markets are at a all time low, and right after which they hit the greatest high of all times, with every passing day. To fall in love with the right person at the right time, is like to see your efforts showing colours after you worked your ass off for those board examinations.

To fall in love is beautiful. To fall in love with the right person at the right time is even more blissful. And to add to it, to stay in love with that right person, that is where the heavenly part of your life begins.

To stay in love with that one person who makes you feel complete even after so many shortcomings. To stay in love with that one person who compliments all your infirmities by his/her actions. To stay in love with that one person who takes efforts to make a difference in everyday of your life no matter how difficult you or the situations become. To identify this person, to value them and to stay in love with them is the most heavenly part of a relationship.

I am no expert on relationships. But one place where I would blindly trust my intuition is to stay and to hold on to that one charismatic person and trust the powerful magic of love and longevity.

Incognito

I don’t know what it feels. I mean I know how it feels but I don’t know what to name it. I am scared of giving it a big medical name because that would mean I am clinically sick, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the one who is lying there on the bed for the most part of the day and feeling miserable about my state. I wouldn’t mind doing the same while working my time around.

Somewhere my heart knows this is everything I have invited. Or probably my mind has been a breeding place for all of this. However, all this doesn’t change the fact that this is not the best thing for me.

I have been overthinking, feeling miserable about myself and just aimless for the past month. I don’t go through this every day. Its just all those times when I am either alone, or in bed trying to not stay awake, or both.

There’s a feeling of a reckless messy storm that arises in me everytime I am sitting with nothing to keep my head engaged. And if someday it isn’t there, I feel incomplete- as if a part of me had gone missing completely from me. This is the time when my mind should be at peace and comfort with everything around me. But somehow, I end up being uncomfortable even then.

That’s the beauty of a disturbed mental state – it makes you feel loved; so loved that you feel your identity is incomplete without it. I don’t mean to sound like an oversensitive brat but I am behaving like one. I am not ready to believe that I can be so weak a person that it practically affects every walk of my life.

I wish all this had a meaning and an end. But it doesn’t. And that’s the beauty of a messed up anxious state of mind- it remains forever, no matter what.

The Story Of Us

The Story of Us
Institute II, Teach for India 2017.
Bhavya Malhotra.

A friend texted me yesterday saying, “Do you even realise the number of times you have used the word priceless in the last month?”

All I replied was, “Yes, and why not?”
Why not because After all everything this institute has given me was nothing short of being priceless.

This institute pushed me of out of my comfort zone. The number of people I have interacted with in the last month is more than all the people I have ever interacted in my life time COMBINED.

This institute redefined the skill of teaching for me. If I attended classes in college the way I attended my IT hours here, I would definitely be at that ‘achievers’ list of the University.

This institute made me love the food I cook for myself no matter how tasteless it was. It gave me friendships that I could count on for everything- right from helping me with my lesson plans, to listening to me on my bad days, to pushing me to go out on the weekends because I deserved it. It gave me people who’d always wave at me, smile and say Hi no matter how unresponsive I was.

This institute taught me how important each minute was when at every lunch without fail I tried to steal a nap or two.

This institute made me feel like a mother when the very first 3 mins of my day passed in waking up others by calling them up.

This institute let me celebrate my individuality by respecting every opinion I had. It accepted me the way I was and always motivated to be the better version of me.

This institute gave me hope. It gave me a sense of family away from home. A family with the same vision. A family with the kindest of the hearts.

I am going to miss waking up before sunrise. I am going to miss the ‘long drives.’ I am going to miss having like minded conversations and goals. I am going to miss this place whole.

When they said, it’s going to be a roller coaster, I didn’t know they actually meant that it’s going to be a roller coaster where memories of a lifetime would be made.

Now tell me, Isn’t this too priceless a place?

Turning 21

I’m turning 21 in a week. And this time, it’s not like every other year; this year I have a lot more thoughts and emotions in me. And those aren’t just for the fact that I’m turning legally legal but also for so many people and so many situations that have made me to reach a point where I can comfortably say I’m entering my happy years!

I’m turning 21 in a week. And it’s not even a very big deal. I haven’t even seen probably thirty percent of my life yet (assuming I’ll love long). I haven’t even probably met twenty percent of the people who will teach me the most valuable lessons. I haven’t even been in ten percent of the situations that will make me a better person with every passing day. But in my head, it is a big deal; and I say that because I have probably gotten a teaser of few of the life altering events that could happen to me. I have probably become (a tiny part of) someone I wouldn’t be not proud of.

I am turning 21 in a week and I hope it’s not too late for me to realise that I have had some of the best companions I could. I hope it’s not late for me to realise that there’s a lot of good waiting in the world- both for you to do and for you to be a recipient of. I hope it’s not too late for me to be grateful for everything the society and the people have given me.

I am turning 21 in a week. I am turning just 21 in a week. And this time, it’s not like every other year. And it’s not even a very big deal. Or you know what, may be, it is.

The Tiny Brain

​There she lay in her bed lazing around, aware of the gush of emotions within her. She could feel the pain in the corner of her heart; an empty space which desired to be filled.

Times like these, when she wanted to speak at length and still never expressed the desire to do the same, they made her realise  what they call self worth. She was learning to be okay without having anyone to listen to her all along because she knew what she was doing was probably the wrong thing. Or infact it probably was not even a very big thing, but dare she shared it with someone. Subconsciously she acknowledged the insignificance of the present moment, and that is exactly what she hated.

She wanted to for once, not give a damn about the usefulness of the present moment. She for once wanted to, fall down, and fall down so hard that next time she doesn’t feel the pain no matter how bad it is. But the tiny brain that knew little too much for it’s age just spoilt everything for her. And somewhere in the corner of her heart, she was scared of letting her little brain down by acting her own age.

Fin.

I have reached to a point where I no longer admire, adore or even embrace new human relationships what so ever. I may be speaking too much, but I certainly am speaking the truth when I say, this human race is full of vices. Vices that the creator never thought would one day rule the world. Today when I look back and examine the few people I have been able to manage a relationship with, I realise everyone at the end of the day was so full of SOMETHING or the other that just left me sad. 

My friend (atleast that’s what I thought she was) in class V, she turned out to be a liar. My cousin I thought was the smartest of all, she turned out to be voluntarily mentally ill. My friend I thought I would tresure, he became someone I could barely tolerate. My another buddy I thought was going to my constant companion, his ego was more important to him. 

There has been a weird dislike and repelling force created which just makes me want to not be a human. I sometimes condemn my own existence because if I were meant to be who I am today, I am sure I didn’t deserve the whole big crap I have gone through till now.

If there’s something that helps me restore my faith in humanity, it’s just my relationship with the two most special people in my life. At least I have them to count on when I see the world falling apart due to everything bad. But trust me when I say, there is very little good left on this planet. Try to be the good human you were meant to be. And always remember, love and hate both are VERY strong forces. Don’t be the one who attracts the latter. Never be the one.
Fin.