Incognito

I don’t know what it feels. I mean I know how it feels but I don’t know what to name it. I am scared of giving it a big medical name because that would mean I am clinically sick, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the one who is lying there on the bed for the most part of the day and feeling miserable about my state. I wouldn’t mind doing the same while working my time around.

Somewhere my heart knows this is everything I have invited. Or probably my mind has been a breeding place for all of this. However, all this doesn’t change the fact that this is not the best thing for me.

I have been overthinking, feeling miserable about myself and just aimless for the past month. I don’t go through this every day. Its just all those times when I am either alone, or in bed trying to not stay awake, or both.

There’s a feeling of a reckless messy storm that arises in me everytime I am sitting with nothing to keep my head engaged. And if someday it isn’t there, I feel incomplete- as if a part of me had gone missing completely from me. This is the time when my mind should be at peace and comfort with everything around me. But somehow, I end up being uncomfortable even then.

That’s the beauty of a disturbed mental state – it makes you feel loved; so loved that you feel your identity is incomplete without it. I don’t mean to sound like an oversensitive brat but I am behaving like one. I am not ready to believe that I can be so weak a person that it practically affects every walk of my life.

I wish all this had a meaning and an end. But it doesn’t. And that’s the beauty of a messed up anxious state of mind- it remains forever, no matter what.

Advertisements

The Story Of Us

The Story of Us
Institute II, Teach for India 2017.
Bhavya Malhotra.

A friend texted me yesterday saying, “Do you even realise the number of times you have used the word priceless in the last month?”

All I replied was, “Yes, and why not?”
Why not because After all everything this institute has given me was nothing short of being priceless.

This institute pushed me of out of my comfort zone. The number of people I have interacted with in the last month is more than all the people I have ever interacted in my life time COMBINED.

This institute redefined the skill of teaching for me. If I attended classes in college the way I attended my IT hours here, I would definitely be at that ‘achievers’ list of the University.

This institute made me love the food I cook for myself no matter how tasteless it was. It gave me friendships that I could count on for everything- right from helping me with my lesson plans, to listening to me on my bad days, to pushing me to go out on the weekends because I deserved it. It gave me people who’d always wave at me, smile and say Hi no matter how unresponsive I was.

This institute taught me how important each minute was when at every lunch without fail I tried to steal a nap or two.

This institute made me feel like a mother when the very first 3 mins of my day passed in waking up others by calling them up.

This institute let me celebrate my individuality by respecting every opinion I had. It accepted me the way I was and always motivated to be the better version of me.

This institute gave me hope. It gave me a sense of family away from home. A family with the same vision. A family with the kindest of the hearts.

I am going to miss waking up before sunrise. I am going to miss the ‘long drives.’ I am going to miss having like minded conversations and goals. I am going to miss this place whole.

When they said, it’s going to be a roller coaster, I didn’t know they actually meant that it’s going to be a roller coaster where memories of a lifetime would be made.

Now tell me, Isn’t this too priceless a place?

Turning 21

I’m turning 21 in a week. And this time, it’s not like every other year; this year I have a lot more thoughts and emotions in me. And those aren’t just for the fact that I’m turning legally legal but also for so many people and so many situations that have made me to reach a point where I can comfortably say I’m entering my happy years!

I’m turning 21 in a week. And it’s not even a very big deal. I haven’t even seen probably thirty percent of my life yet (assuming I’ll love long). I haven’t even probably met twenty percent of the people who will teach me the most valuable lessons. I haven’t even been in ten percent of the situations that will make me a better person with every passing day. But in my head, it is a big deal; and I say that because I have probably gotten a teaser of few of the life altering events that could happen to me. I have probably become (a tiny part of) someone I wouldn’t be not proud of.

I am turning 21 in a week and I hope it’s not too late for me to realise that I have had some of the best companions I could. I hope it’s not late for me to realise that there’s a lot of good waiting in the world- both for you to do and for you to be a recipient of. I hope it’s not too late for me to be grateful for everything the society and the people have given me.

I am turning 21 in a week. I am turning just 21 in a week. And this time, it’s not like every other year. And it’s not even a very big deal. Or you know what, may be, it is.

The Tiny Brain

​There she lay in her bed lazing around, aware of the gush of emotions within her. She could feel the pain in the corner of her heart; an empty space which desired to be filled.

Times like these, when she wanted to speak at length and still never expressed the desire to do the same, they made her realise  what they call self worth. She was learning to be okay without having anyone to listen to her all along because she knew what she was doing was probably the wrong thing. Or infact it probably was not even a very big thing, but dare she shared it with someone. Subconsciously she acknowledged the insignificance of the present moment, and that is exactly what she hated.

She wanted to for once, not give a damn about the usefulness of the present moment. She for once wanted to, fall down, and fall down so hard that next time she doesn’t feel the pain no matter how bad it is. But the tiny brain that knew little too much for it’s age just spoilt everything for her. And somewhere in the corner of her heart, she was scared of letting her little brain down by acting her own age.

Fin.

I have reached to a point where I no longer admire, adore or even embrace new human relationships what so ever. I may be speaking too much, but I certainly am speaking the truth when I say, this human race is full of vices. Vices that the creator never thought would one day rule the world. Today when I look back and examine the few people I have been able to manage a relationship with, I realise everyone at the end of the day was so full of SOMETHING or the other that just left me sad. 

My friend (atleast that’s what I thought she was) in class V, she turned out to be a liar. My cousin I thought was the smartest of all, she turned out to be voluntarily mentally ill. My friend I thought I would tresure, he became someone I could barely tolerate. My another buddy I thought was going to my constant companion, his ego was more important to him. 

There has been a weird dislike and repelling force created which just makes me want to not be a human. I sometimes condemn my own existence because if I were meant to be who I am today, I am sure I didn’t deserve the whole big crap I have gone through till now.

If there’s something that helps me restore my faith in humanity, it’s just my relationship with the two most special people in my life. At least I have them to count on when I see the world falling apart due to everything bad. But trust me when I say, there is very little good left on this planet. Try to be the good human you were meant to be. And always remember, love and hate both are VERY strong forces. Don’t be the one who attracts the latter. Never be the one.
Fin.

Vir Das & Gang: No, It’s NOT Okay To Score Less In 12th Board Exams, Let Me Tell You Why

Dear comedians, musicians, artists, writers and EVERY other human being who is going around the town telling the class 12 kids that it is perfectly okay to fail or score low in board exams. It’s not. I beg to differ with all of you here.

Can all of us just wait for a bit and STOP sugar-coating the circumstances of scoring low in exams? Can we stop making a fool of all those minds who work beyond their means just to score a mark or two extra? Can we stop and look at what all these ‘your-marks-do-not -define-you’ campaigns are doing to the young minds? 

We are simply encouraging the idea that works hard or not, you can still be the boss of the world.

Gone are the days when you could score 50% in boards, get into the local university, get a bachelor’s degree and work with a package good enough to fetch you a decent living. Times have changed. We now live in an era which is nothing but a rat race. And all of us know, stop for a microsecond in this race, and there you’re the last one. Bitter truth, ain’t it?

I know we do not get our marks inked. I know that the interviewer during your campus placement won’t ask you for how much you scored in 10th or 12th. I know when you go to your office your boss doesn’t ask you what grade you got.  But let’s wait for a minute and think. To reach that point where you have a boss and an interviewer, don’t you think you need some really GOOD education? Don’t you think you need to be in a really GOOD university for that?

Considering our education system, I take no shame in saying board marks are important. And they are as important as is Sheldon’s spot to him. Indian colleges give maximum weightage to board marks during graduation and post-graduation admissions. Getting into a good college takes you a long way to getting a good placement. And sometimes it is not just about the job you fetch. Sometimes it’s also about the curriculum, the syllabus, and the practical knowledge.

I am saying this from my own experience: The syllabus I am studying right now is nothing that is expected to be taught to a student of my course. On the flip side, my friends in other universities but the same course, they are studying what really needs to be taught. What is the difference? The university. And why did I not land up in a university like theirs’? Simply because I didn’t fetch marks good enough.

I probably am in the final year of my degree but to be honest, I am sure I don’t even know 20% of what the first years of the top universities do.  Those who claim these universities to be overrated, all I ask you all to do is compare the syllabus (and the also the extracurricular) of these with other universities.

If you still believe board marks aren’t important, go talk to a general category male candidate who wanted to get into his dream university and lost only by a small margin because he didn’t have any quota for himself, because he didn’t have any ‘source’ to turn to and because he couldn’t afford the donation the universities were secretly accepting.

This is not meant to demoralise anyone of you or make anyone feel less of themselves. This is to make you guys realise that hard work takes you a long way to living a luxurious life that you always dreamt of. If you don’t score well once probably that’s when you should realise that the hard work you are putting in is not enough. It is probably time you realised you need to walk a mile extra to realise your own dreams.

Of note: Board marks aren’t something that should make you slip into depression or force you to take unconstitutional steps. They are something that should show you the truth and motivate you to be better a version of you, for you.

I rest my case here.


First published on www.economydecoded.com

Just Another Incomplete Story

Just Another Incomplete Story

Have you ever loved someone who never loved you back? There’s a weird thing that this one sided love makes you do. It makes you irrational. You forget how physically, emotionally and mentally impossible things can be. You are so blinded by the idea of ‘dating’ that you just let everything else lie in the corner as if they were your 5th standard books which you’d never ever turn back to. You always had the dream of having that one man whom you shall treasure forever. You see him one day and in your mind give yourself a high five that “Yes! He’s the one I’ll walk down the aisle to.”
You have always believed in investing your anything only if it gave you returns. And returns good enough for you to relish. But this one time, you became lame and foolish enough to invest your emotions and your time in something that never ever was going to give you anything but negative interest. 

And one fine day when he bursts your bubble that nothing is ever going to work out, suddenly, he becomes the bad person. Suddenly your friends start telling you to stop being a doormat for him but you, you who are STILL blinded by the concept of being his ‘forever’ you keep doing what you were. For him, you became that one person who’s always going to by his side in times of crisis and happiness. And for you, for you he became just another love story that you thought was going to have the most beautiful ending ever, but alas!

One fine day he comes and says, you’re a very nice person and I feel bad for being who I have been. Your heart skips a beat that maybe something impossible might just happen. What you forget in the spur of that moment is that somethings aren’t meant to be. Sometimes you need to tell your brain and your heart and make peace with the fact that may be love wasn’t made for you because there are better things out there that are in store for you which you simply overlook; and why not? You are already too blinded by sparkle of bliss that these butterflies in your stomach give you, every time you see him!